Religious Doubts

I was raised in the SDA (seventh day adventist) church and as many who grow up in the church I believed that God was real. I didn't doubt, I didn't wonder, I just believed. When I got to my teen years I had a falling out with Him and when I came back as an adult I was back in the church because I wanted to be, which is much better than being forced to be there as a kid.

Now that I've been back in the church for a while my fire for God has dwindled somewhat. I think I owe that somewhat to being surrounded by my friends from university and somewhat maybe because it would have happened eventually anyway. For whatever reason the question that lingers in the back of my mind a lot now days is this:

"What if God wasn't real?"

If God wasn't real then I could be more in control of my own life. I would be free to believe what I truly want to. I would be free to try different things. If I failed in life then the failings would be my own and I could go back to the drawing board and try again. Then again... if I failed then I wouldn't have God to fall back on either. 

Some of the things I just mentioned are real desires that may be partially prevented by my religion but I think most are prevented by me. God isn't the kind of guy. In church they talk a lot about God taking control of your life but in the end we can pray and try to listen but we aren't going to get our life plan in writing. We will ultimately be the ones making the decisions. So I think that I have all the control I need really. 

As for being free to believe what I truly want I think I will check out some Buddhism stuff because I've been interested in it for a while. I don't think God will frown on that at all. I think he would encourage me to see all there is to see. If I like it then I can accept it, but I seriously doubt I will start worshiping Buddha. Originally I am more of a practical guy so if something helps me live my life better than great but if I don't see a use for it then I won't accept it into myself. 

Failings. I think the times I've failed in life, whether I've been close to God at the time or not, the failings have felt mostly the same. The actions and choices are all ultimately mine so I'm not blaming God. But when you fall its much nicer to have someone with you and God is the one who will never not be there. 

That of course brings the question up again "Was he really ever there to start with?". Now I've felt things and seen things turn out that have got to be more than just coincidence but of course I don't have any facts. The doubt is still there whenever I think of leaning on God. Have I just been brainwashed since I was young to create this imaginary being who will always be there for me precisely because he is imaginary? Does it matter if he isn't real? If I still gain from following him isn't it OK? 

I think there is something in everyone that wants to know the truth of things. If he wasn't real I think I would want to know so I could face reality, but I don't know either way as it is. 

Someone said something to me not too long ago. They told me that they had doubts about God (not about Him being real but about other things) and that it was just part of the journey. So I think I'll borrow from them and mull over the doubt. I'll keep it with me as I journey. I'll explore what I want and make the decisions I want. 

And in the end I'll probably come back to God on my hands and knees crying regardless of whether he is real or not.